My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
