im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
