Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
