I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
