I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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