Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize