took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
