you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
