My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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