I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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