i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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