Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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