dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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