If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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