I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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