Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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