ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
