someone owes me an orgasm
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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