i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
