can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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