My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
