In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
