i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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