So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
