I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
