so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
