His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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