I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
