It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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