I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
