Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize