and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
