so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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