The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
