We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
