you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
