so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
