Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
