Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
