guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
