There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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