Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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