I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
