...so i touched it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
