I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
