I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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