You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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