why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
