he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
