I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize