i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
