She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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