She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
