A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
