I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
