It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
