i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
