Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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