Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
