nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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