U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
