I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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