I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
